OOC: Occult Organization of the Cherubim
by LilTangerine
Summary: OOC: Out Of Character. Term used by fans of sagas when a character is taken in a non-correct way. At least, that's what you think...
1. Prologue

Please be nice, it's the first time I write something in english!

Thanks for reading!

* * *

_You're going home after a looong work day. You feel really tired, the boss gave you exhausting tasks, "Do this, do that, and also coffee and paperwork, it's not annoying, is it?" (worse, your colleague Matthias didn't stop picking his nose, yuk!). The sun begins to move down towards the horizon, and you'd like to go into your bed. But in your way back, something catches your attention. Yes, there, in front of you, on the bench, there's a book. You take a look around to check the presence of a possible owner, but there's no one for miles round. Never mind, you approach and take the book. Its pages are eared, as if it has been read for hundred times. Though, it looks new: the colors of the cover are bright. But what interest you the most is the title: "OOC: Occult Organization of the Cherubim". The back cover don't say anything but the real definition of OOC, that you know by heart, being a reader of fan fictions. Your curiosity waked up, you put it in your bag and take your way home._

_The first thing you do, after taking off you shoes and coat and lying down on the couch a glass of lemonade in the hand, is opening the strange book. You turn the first page._

**OOC: Occult Organization of the Cherubim**

_By Jane Nonymous._

PREFACE

This book if formally forbidden to deadpan and other lovers of first degree.

Warmly recommended to Harry Potter's readers knowing how to read.

THE RECIPE (or how to make a good OOC)

Ingredients:

-Harry Potter

-Hermione Granger

-An entire Weasley family

-Drago Malefoy, supplement Lucius according to the taste you desire

-Professor McGonagall

-Professor Flitwick

-Severus Rogue not too badly injured

-Dumbledore still alive

-James Potter around twenty

-Sirius Black, the same

-Mrs Black's portrait to add some spice

-Voldy without salt

Ingredients to add as you want. (Eventually, the chief recommends one or two Dursley and a skewer of Death Eaters).

Take a Harry Potter. Boil him during a half hour, then add a character of complaining-blasé-saturninedark-haired one. Add a Hermione Granger and a pinch of tart-ization and red-pink-orange nail polish. In a salad bowl, mix Fred and George Weasley, James Potter and Sirius Black. Extract the humour, replace by SM tendencies in the case of Jamesie and Siri et tendencies to plot against everything and everyone. For Gred and Forge, replace by childishness and fill their pockets with candies. Melt in a great cauldron a Minerva McGonagall, a Filius Flitwick and a Dumbledore. Get McGonagall totally in love of Flitwick, but don't forget to add love for dancing and singing. Turn Dumbledore into a vegetarian, friend with flowers and senile. Toss the rest of the Weasley family, except for Ron, with the Malfoy family and some honey. Have Bill in love with Lucius, get Drago jealous of Ginny and playing Monopoly with Percy. Get Mr & Mrs Weasley very snobs and old-britain with an assortment of cookies and teas from the depths of Peru. Let Voldy marinate with Potty until he becomes a Care-Bear/Sister Theresa, it's your choice. Don't forget to give him one, or two, or thirty plastic surgeries. Add Ron to the Harry-Hermione mixture and change him into a narcissistic, arrogant, condescending jerk who thinks he is the king of all-Hogwarts. Add the common sense zest and a humor wafer only at the end. Don't touch Mrs Black's table.

Mix blithely the different containers while singing Claude François in kangaroo briefs, and then you will obtain the perfect OOC! Don't forget to add strawberries and gruel as you wish. Serve fresh.

_You close the book without hurry, half amused, half disappointed that the night is already there. Almost with regrets, you get into your room and put the strange book on your bedside table and promise to continue your reading as soon as possible. Curiously, your dreams are full of Potterly characters making bakery..._


	2. Chapter 1: Welcome to Hogwartsland

_Pfiouuu! It's your first thought while returning from an eeeendless of intensive work, well, after catching up one or two hours of sleep, head against your it was entirely Voldy's fault who was taking tea with Mrs Weasley for hours long. Hey, if you're pretending to be master of the world, you have to go to bed at 9 o'clock every night! Once in front of the couch, you drop your things, catch the book and take off your shoes in one movement. And then you return reading._

Chapter 1

Welcome to Hogwartsland, country of the flying eggplants

Harry, Ron and Hermione were quietly attending to the Sorting Ceremony of their sixth year. Well, quietly, it was approximate : Hermione was polishing her nails once again, under the disapproving look of people around who were wrinkling their nose because of the strong smell of nail polish, while Ron was explaining for the two-thousand-and-three-hundred-twenty-twice how he had defy Bellatrix Lestrange, wandless and only wearing a boxer with a pink-panther-spot pattern, whereas a horde of floating brains were trying to strangle him. Harry was only hearing a eight of what his friend told and groaned that the old Dumbledore really became senile and gaga.

- McGillien, Selena! Called with a singing voice the wrinkled McGonagall.

After all, the master of Hogwarts had decided to hit with a flower every first year after they came under the Sorting Hat.

- Ravenclaw!

It was the turn of the little red-haired one, who cried and run away to her table. Dumby put on a hangdog expression to have her come back, but another pupil was moving forward to him, his all body shaking.

-And hop! Hop! Your godmother the good fairy offers you a free ticket for a chihuahua washing in the prefect's bathroom! He said before hitting him with the ridiculous blue flower he had in his hand and giving him a little coupon.

After a long, very long, very veeeery long time, the annual Gifts Delivery ended. The meals appeared instantly on the table, which get covered by roast beef , beefsteak, minced beef, beef skewer and vegetables. Fries, in fact. And for the girls, a dish of peas was put on the table of each house, causing a zillion of doubtful looks. The pots were filled with pumpkin juice, the classic, but also – small innovation of the house-elfs – zucchini, artichoke and other leek juices. So began the drinkable pot pursuit.

While every Gryffindor fought for a simple pumpkin juice pot – Hermione showed her advantages and Ron shouted "War cry to the traitors!" -, Harry gave a wry look to the rectangular parallelepiped of potato he was fiddling with his fork, the chin on the hand. But when he tried to put the fork in, the plate moved back. Hungry and angry, he tried once again to get a fry, and once again the plate moved back. All of those who didn't left for chasing a pot were in the same situation. Excepted Seamus, because he was literally on the middle of the table looking for his dinner, but no one seemed to care, too concentrated on their put-the-knife-on-the-roast tries. Harry's plate ran away, sliding along the table, and in a vain effort to catch it, he threw himself to the floor, and...

- I GOT IIIIIIIIIIIIIT!

Ronald Weasley, five feet two inches, one hundred seventy eight pounds dot three ( "I told you not to eat all sweets in the train!" - Thanks to Molly for this short speech - ) sprawled out his full length on the flabby floor, the pot in the hand. The flabby floor made a not very sexy grumble, praying that this damn fatty ginger full of butter move his big ass from his back. ( Thanks to Ooohthenastywords's staff for this rough translation ). Unfortunately, the pumpkin juice was a rare and desired item.

- Not my face! Don't touch my face! Ron shout, fell in reverse under the attack.

Harry, for his part, was already on the floor. And he felt as good as below a herd of yaks. A board at the end of the Great Hall put up some strange results:

Gryffindor: 1/ Ravenclaw: 0/ Hufflepuff: 2/ Slytherin: 0

Time

5.00

Two guys in white came running once the red and gold mass went away ( "Potismine! Nomine! Duntouchmine!" ), dropped the not-so-alive-boy-who-lived off a stretcher and went out of the room as fast as they came.

In the meantime, Hermione was struggling all claws out against Lavender and Parvati to lay hands on a peas that slid under the table ( we found it a few days later, in the form of a small gray ball because of dust and covered with hair ).

The three furies were taken out of the Great Hall, quietly prisoners of a straitjacket while they were writhing violently. One of the men in coat won a gorgeous scratch and started a petition for his work to be considered as a high-risk job.

Ron, on the knees on the rough floor, felt his face, moaning. Many feet get lost in their search of the juice and beautiful prints decorated his face. In his back, Ginny pulled her tongue in a concentrated way while manipulating with precision the magic scissors with her wand. Little gaps in her brother's red hair formed letters, which formed words, which formed a sentence, which was nominal, which comprised one word, which meant "idiot". The Gryffindor sniggered, but Ron, in the pain of losing the harmony of his face, didn't notice it. And luckily for the students, because they were afraid that Charlie, the big-and-tall-and-strong-brother-with-a-death-that- kills-wand, came and hit them on the face with a chair.

When he saw the men in blouses walking in front of him, he hung up on them, begging them to heal him before his "wonderful" face to be incurably attacked. Groaning, on of the men agreed to drag him at his feet, not without colorful swearing. Once Ron pulled out of the Great Hall, the board announced :

Gryffindor: 5/ Ravenclaw: 1/ Hufflepuff: 7/ Slytherin: 12

Time

10.56

It seemed that a little cunning Slytherin had cast a spell on a beef wing, which electrified every student who tried to take it. Seeing the nurse crowd around him, it looked like it worked. Dumbledore, who began to get bored on his wooden throne, decided to complicate the game. Suddenly, all the candles were blown. And this was the beginning of the apocalypse. Except for the couples who met each other under the tables, in the dark, taking benefit of the mess to trick their girlfriend under cover of "Hey, but honey, I can't see anything!", and who have been discovered then expelled by the nyctalopist-vision agents, the pettiest took advantages of the dark to get rid of their opponents. Soon, the idea circulated all around the tables and we couldn't count the injured with bruises all over the body anymore. Two or three students had adopted the technique of "Revenge is plate eaten cold" by dipping their ennemies's heads in the dish of peas. The numbers raised very fast on the board, lighted up by the sweet glimpse of the hairy caterpillars :

Gryffindor: 38/ Ravenclaw: 13/ Hufflepuff: 39/ Slytherin: 47

Time

17.29

Then Dumbledore dropped his ultimate weapon. An attack of massive and smooth projectiles with a, well... hairy end? stunned a lot of students. Screams came from all over the Hall, facing this invisible threat.

- What the hell is this _thing _?

- Yuk, this is disgusting ! It tastes like mud !

- Are you planning to poison us ?

Finally, a student smarter than the average lit his wand ( ten minutes it was pitch black, and nobody thought to use their wands ) and surveyed the devastating weapon, while another one covered him from another projection. The verdict raised, high and clear :

-This is an aubergine !

And plaf! Soon said, soon in the face. It seemed that the vegetables were conceived to destroy themselves after a minute, and the Great Hall suddenly became really... purple.

The show, as amusing as it was, was not enough for the director of Hogwartsland. Many years passed away before the students who were in the room overcame their trauma. Without mentioning vegetablesophobia. The first year in stretcher were brought to their dormitory by the prefects, where their things have been spared by the bloody vegetable battle. Those who had still corn in the ear or tomato in the nose were brought to the infirmary. Rumors said that a student touched by cursed cauliflower got a green fleece on the head. But this is only a rumor...

So began this promising sixth year in Hogwartsland for our heroes ( who, by the way, had been offside since the first minutes of the battle ).

_Results_

_Gryffindor: 98/ Ravenclaw: 76/ Hufflepuff: 110/ Slytherin: 129_


End file.
